Happy. In response the prompt my Love suggested when I asked for a topic to write on – I hope to be happy in the future. This is not to say I’m not happy now, I am. However, I’m acutely aware of the conditions within which my happiness can exist; it is born from feeling safe and secure in my environment and relationships.
Of course, therapy helped beyond measure. I was granted the clarity to understand what I need as opposed to what I simply want or would like. I found the courage to voice my boundaries and somehow stand by them which was an entirely foreign concept to me. I don’t worry about my professional goals because after having spent a decade in higher education – time is rarely a driving force for my achievements. The simple knowledge that I will accomplish all I set out to do sooner or later. This deep seated belief has carried me through 28 years and I pray will continue to do so for the next 28. I’ve been working since I was 16, from summer scholarships to retail to fixing up my parents’ homes during summer break. By 19 I was pretty much repairing and renovating all by myself. There was plenty of work beyond my skillset but I learned because I had to. I was taught I can do anything I set my mind to so long as I don’t give up. I don’t care about being good at something the first or second time. Proficiency comes with practice which needs patience. Thankfully, I have it in fairly good supply.
Is happiness elusive? I don’t know. Maybe I’m after happiness, security and stability. Maybe one without its counterparts is still a recipe for upset or anxiety or depression. I know want the things money can’t buy; literally invaluable and demand honesty in their provision or receipt. I’ve never been overtly materialistic. My partner helped solidify this because if faced with a fancy perfume and new boots or going away for a weekend – my old perfume and boot polish will do while we make memories somewhere in the world. I have no fondness of anything fleeting. Momentary joy is easy to obtain so I prefer to acquire it through inexpensive means because it scratches the itch. Human nature is fickle about these things, we buy, we use, we store, we forget. I bought a bunch of miniatures recently and easily spent 50-60 hours painting them – I have no idea what I’ll do once I’m done with the box and they’re all assembled. But, it’s a very therapeutic to achieve fleeting joy. Although, I suppose there’s a sense of deep satisfaction to see them nestled on a shelf painted as well as I ever could have. The keyboard I bought a while ago continues to challenge me but I’m fairly confident it’s a skill which will hold me in good stead.
I don’t fear much in this world but I do worry about being happy and feeling safe and secure. I know everything I am comes at the cost of my boundaries being respected in every aspect of my life. My capacity to give, to love and be present hinges on it. Wanting to be happy is easy but it’s not simple, nor cheap. Beyond all of this, life will be full of love and laughter and adventure for my partner and I, for our family and everything in between because I know the kind of man I am.
poeliticaljazz 